Good morning friends,
Today we’re landing the plane on empathy by taking quick look at the work of Dr. Brené Brown. Every where I turned, her data driven work on empathy was there, so I felt it was a great way to pull it all together.
And like Brené says, maybe stories are just data with soul…I like that.
Thought
“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
– Dr. Brené Brown
Application
According to Dr. Brown, the best way to understand empathy is to compare to its opposite, which is sympathy. She believes that empathy drives connection, while sympathy drives disconnection.
The reason: empathy requires vulnerability and authenticity, while sympathy (coming from a good place) keeps a distance between the one suffering and the one offering solidarity.
But that is at the heart of her research, and it mirrors what we saw yesterday in Thich Nhat Hanh’s Deep Listening advice—empathy is free of judgement and is fueled not by solution giving, but simply by connection.
The power of empathy is the deep experience of solidarity one feels while in a deep struggle or dark night of the soul. It’s not the solutions given, but the awareness that someone else is holding your pain, or struggle, or maybe even joy or accomplishment, in a non-judgemental and steady place. It’s not a silver lining, it’s meeting you there.
And so Dr. Brown breaks down empathy into 4 steps. She says empathy requires:
Perspective Taking, or putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Staying out of judgement and listening.
Recognizing emotion in another person that you have maybe felt before.
Communicating that you can recognize that emotion.
This process reminds me of some of the best parenting advice I’ve ever received (which is difficult to enact to say the least.) The idea is that when a child becomes overwhelmed with emotion and begins behaving in a way that is unsafe, or angry, or even violent toward siblings or the parent (i.e. hitting, pushing etc), the strategy is not to overcome or silence the emotion, but to connect with the child and redirect their energy.
At the heart of this practice is connection, non-judgemental awareness, and communication.
I believe the distilled wisdom of empathy can be understood in that process. And often, the first person that needs this empathy, is ourself. I know I do.
Backstory
If you’re not super familiar with Dr. Brown’s work, I hope you take some time this weekend to watch some her amazing lectures and talks—everywhere from youtube to Netflix.
She’s spent her career researching vulnerability, courage, empathy, and leadership. I’ve enjoyed her work because it is so comprehensive. She uses data to aggregate thousands of stories, anecdotes, observations, and responses to map so much of the human experience that has yet to be studied intently.
The result has been a treasure trove of information about our need for vulnerability and its connection to authenticity, happiness, and leadership. At the heart of her message is a truth that we are all made better when we have the courage to be honest about our emotions, connect with them, and communicate authentically to connect with others.
Connection fuels all of the behaviors that we associate with positive outcomes in adulthood, peace, health, and happiness.
I’m also a fan of Dr. Brown’s work because of her persistence, hard work, and devotion to a craft over such a long period of time. Today she is a research professor at the University of Houston, but she and her husband began their lives fighting their way through school (he is a pediatrician), starting a family, and trying to navigate so much of the everyday minutia of life.
I really appreciate her vulnerability in sharing her path toward finding her purpose, because it isn’t doctored up retroactively to look put together or clear—and I resonate with that. She wrestled with so much of the everyday struggles of young parenthood, blazing a new path, and accomplishing incredible academic feats without compromising on her true self and remaining honest and kind throughout.
And so even in the way that she shares her biography, she exemplifies this trait of empathy and vulnerability—connection even with someone like me who simply sees myself in the honesty of her story.
And so with that, I think it’s time to put empathy down as we conclude tomorrow with a Weekly Rundown and set ourselves up for next week’s study.
As always friends, it’s a pleasure, we’ll see you tomorrow.
Matt
https://twentyonetoys.com/blogs/teaching-empathy/brene-brown-empathy-vs-sympathy
https://twentyonetoys.com/blogs/teaching-empathy/brene-brown-empathy-vs-sympathy
Empathy