Whatever you deny yourself will become your new prison.
Today we’ll continue where we left off in chapter 1. If you didn’t get a chance, you can listen to or read it here.
We continue today by attempting to answer the question: how do we find what we really want?
First, we have to accept that we do have wants, that it is in fact ok to have them. That it is ok to take up space and affect the world for better or worse. That our needs are valid.
At this point, I find that many tend to become overwhelmed. Suddenly we realize that we do have desires, and not only that we have 10,000 of them.
In many ways, we’re no better off when we make this transition. Before, we didn’t know that we were allowed to have desires. We could barely answer the question, “What do you want?”
Now, we want to answer but cannot because the funnel is so jammed up so to speak that we’re paralyzed.
And then it happens.
The life event, the death, the accident, the injury, the loss.
Grief shows up like an unwelcome friend, to help guide us on our path of self-awareness.
Suddenly, our list of 10,000 becomes one.
A sick person (or those who love someone who is ill) only want one thing: to be healthy, to be well.
And there we find ourselves on the journey of self-awareness, of acceptance. It happens like automation. Some call it the 5 Stages of Grief.
In many instances this path can not only be the basis of deep-wisdom, but also the foundation for future experiences of deep-happiness.
In many ways it was much easier to avoid this process in the ancient days. Rationally, we’ve always wanted to avoid the pain and heartache of loss.
Many, therefore, have chosen the path of renunciation (as was my experience in the militaristic/fundamentalist circles.) If you don’t know who you are or what you want it’s much harder to experience loss.
Rather than having to process our desires and find ourselves, we just deny they exist.
But, to reference the quote above,
Whatever you deny yourself will become your new prison.
Rather than bringing us more self-awareness and wisdom, it only brings a false sense of security and validation.
Often temporary and fleeting.
We trust others to determine the right and wrong, what we need and don’t, what we should and shouldn’t want. We become consumers, followers of this religion or that teacher, we become a role prescribed for us ahead of time.
But maybe, the truth is, we don’t need a guru. We don’t need a guide. We just need to know.
And maybe, the real teacher is most often found in the confusing depths of loss, grief, and acceptance.
Somehow, these are the true friends to happiness.
Join us tomorrow as we consider life after grief.
Matt
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Happiness and Habits Ch. 2